Dear Auntie Agni,

I wish to discuss my son who is 20 years old, has completed his O and A levels, and is presently an engineering student at a prestigious university. He had always been a bright student. Both the parents love him and he has everything, for example, his own room, his own computer and TV and car which he drives to and back from university.

The problem that we, the parents, have been facing for a long time is that he grumbles and mumbles to himself. He always has a stern and serious expression on his face, hardly talks to his sister, gets very irritated by his father, and if I ask him something I have to ask him several times before he answers in monosyllables. He never shares his thoughts with us, and loves to shut himself in the room. He is also very antisocial and hates attending family functions. Very rarely does he go out with his classmates. I want to take him to a psychiatrist, but when I mention this to him, he glares at me. It is therefore impossible for me to take him to one.

What should I do? Usually, we just avoid him and keep to ourselves. He's close to me and occasionally walks in my room and gives me a hug and a kiss. I have also heard that he behaves normally when he's with his friends, laughing and smiling a lot. By the way, our 'home environment' is pretty normal. There are no fights between parents or anything out of the ordinary. Please advice me on how to handle him.

Concerned Mother

Hey Mom,

Is it possible that you are still treating your son like a child? By keeping out of his way at a time when your son seems so disturbed, I think you are on the right track. Here is something else that you can do bite your tongue whenever you want to criticise him. Parents tend to do that without thinking much. We criticise our children's clothing, their friends, their room, their hairstyle, or how they spend money. If you think about it deeply, these matters are inconsequential and you can allow your son to get away with most things as long as they are not illegal or affecting you adversely.

Instead of lecturing him on wrong and right, let him learn from the world outside. If he does not study, he will be checked by bad grades. If he cuts the traffic light, he will get fined. If he has bad friends, he will find out one day. If he overspends he will be left with no money. Let him find out all this the hard way.

My hunch is that your son is trying to develop an adult relationship with you and you can help by treating him like an adult. Build his self-esteem by praising him for anything good. Also listen to him when he wants to talk, but don't try and solve his problem.

Auntie also feels that you have done way too much for your son. He has his own car and computer, none of which he had earned. He is an adult now and you need to start giving him some responsibilities. Don't just do everything for him anymore. In fact, if he breaks house rules (I hope you have some and if you don't, lay some down democratically) please do take away a privilege for some time. Make him run around to pay the electricity bill or get a plumbing job done. Get him to make his own bed and iron his own clothes.

At the same time give him lots of space when he is in a 'mood.' At such times you must accept that his problem may even be you, and he is more likely to discuss it with a friend or some other adult. Swallow it like a bitter pill if you don't want to alienate your child. If this approach doesn't help you within three months, go alone to see a psychiatrist to discuss the issue if he won't go.

Dear Aunteee,

My problem is not me, but my younger brother. He is involved with a girl who is rude and is just using him. She bosses him and makes difficult demands of him. I get really angry and tell him to dump her but he doesn't get it. He justifies whatever she does saying that she is under a lot of stress or that her mother is very difficult.

Possessive Sister

Dear Sis,

What a loving sis you are. It may be that the more you are telling him to cool off, the more he is rebelling and doing the opposite. The girl tells him that she is stressed and with you criticising her all the time, he can see what she means. The best (but not foolproof) policy at this point is to just stop talking to him about her. Turn off the heat on the subject and talk about something else. If he comes to you with a problem regarding her, try to be objective or say that you cannot help. He may realise what she is all about or he may not. But if anything is going to work, it is this because you cannot take responsibility for the actions of others even if it is your little brother.

Hey Dear Auntie,

The problem is that the one I love is not so attractive and good looking. I love him very much and like his character. He looks like a wolf and from my point of view his face is cool. What should I do? Should I listen to my heart or other silly people? Honestly jawab dijiyega

Love Angel

Dear Angel,

What seems to be the problem here? Beauty standards set by society are actually somebody else's standards. If everyone preferred Bratz look-alikes complete with voluptuous figures, exactly six women in the world would be having relationships right now. Stop caring what the world thinks of your wolf-prince. You love him and actually prefer his vulpine looks. His looks are what you find good looking. You don't have a problem.